I thought i would take a break from going through all the "stuff" here at the house, getting ready for the estate sale. But I now do not have high speed internet, as we are turning off luxury items, and I had forgotten how crazy-making dial-up is. Just waiting for SOMETHING to happen makes me want to scream.

I am getting through the days and nights with some difficulty. It is amazing to me how I miss my mom. Somehow, I never thought too much about how it might be. It was just out there in the vagueness of someday, and how can you imagine something unimaginable? I have had moments of wanting to take up the torch where she left it, lying at the side of her life, when she was less able to do the advocacy things she cared so deeply about. She was quite a woman, a Renaissance Woman, actually.

It is hard to go through her papers, cards, photos, newspaper clippings. I want to save them and read them later, but I recall how I would tell her I didn't want any more news articles. She still clipped them, and told me about them. Her way of sharing. Paper can be so overwhelming. I guess it will all get done. We will have the sale person come out on the 4th of April to look at the stuff and so by then I must have gone through all, and determine what is estate, what is garage/rummage and what is junk. Including "as is", and then make it all "user friendly" and clean it all and make the house look nice, and the yard. I am exhausted, just thinking about what there still is to do. And I have hardly begun the garage, where I and my daughter and maybe nieces have boxes stored from when Mom moved here 10 years ago!

Some of it has been fun: looking at the baby clothes and quilts I, mom, and a dear friend made, my first and last knitted blanket, I had forgotten how many baby clothes I had made. and even embroidered the little tiny t-shirts! All bagged and waiting by the hopeful grandma someday...(me)! Is it crazy to hold on to things like the cradle my dad made? and the crib I bought? It's in Lake County now. Like I have room to store all this stuff? I am my mother's daughter, after all, in many ways. I am ok with that. God bless her!

Well, life is going on
We had the Memorial Service for Mom. It was ok, difficult but healing, and good to see her old friends from the church, and some of my daughters' friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Also the person I have known longer than anyone other than my family came. That was a surprise. A welcome one.

Now we are working on dismantling the home. An estate sale is in the making, and I have volunteered to organize, clean and put together things that will be looked at by the estate sale person. This will be a huge job, looking at all the "stuff" that is here. But, I realize I need to do this...it is my way of saying goodbye to the many items I grew up with and also lived with over the last 10 years; this is a huge part of my life, that I left every time I returned to Lake County. So, it is fitting that I have this time to be with these things, before they become someone else's things. Thank God, my brothers also recognize this need for closure, and actually are relieved I want to do it.

I know that things are superficial and serve a somewhat limited purpose in life. They are for convenience or looks or cuddling or whatever their function may be. They have no inherent emotion; that is in me...and all wrapped up in whatever life process was happening at the time, with any of the hundreds of items that fill this house.

My brothers have much less involvement, out of choice, out of nature, and it is probably somewhat of a gender thing. I don't care what the reasons are, I am glad that I can do it, rather than pay a stranger to do it and hope for respect towards the whole lot of it.

I am glad Spring is approaching. That means summer is also on it's way. And warmth. My brother has turned down the heat, and it is cold here. I know that is saving money, and energy, but my body says, brrrr.

Ok, much to do, and time is limited. Be Here Now.