Happy Birthday Mom,
I made her the chocolate cake we were going to have, and will ice it when it's done baking. Then Rayna and I will go to have Chinese food at the place we used to always get to go from. Then we'll light the candles, sing and blow out the candles. I guess it's sort of like an old-fashioned wake. Never done this before. The Memorial service is the 28th. I am crying, reading, loving my animals, talking to my friends, and wondering what the future holds. I am one of the unemployed now, with a seriously expensive mortgage. I am doing a day at a time, and trying to let go of fear. We have to have everything out of the house in a month, so repairs can get underway for selling. I was not ready for this.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
MOM
late night
a hard day, I got to Napa, after Rayna, DD2, called to prepare me for how Mom was. When I got here, she was hardly able to talk. Very drowsy, and I wondered if she might have had a stroke. The nurse from Hospice came and said, she appeared to be in the final stage. I broke down. How could this be? Her tongue was very swollen, and her bottom lip also. She said later that the inside of her mouth feels rough. it's quite red. Cause? if she was allergic to the roxanol Rayna began to give her yesterday morn. it should make her itch, rash, and have trouble swallowing. It wasn't. So what is happening? She is better...right now sleeping peacefully. I hope she continues to be able to sleep through the night. Last night she didn't. I thank God I can be here with her for as long as she has.
a hard day, I got to Napa, after Rayna, DD2, called to prepare me for how Mom was. When I got here, she was hardly able to talk. Very drowsy, and I wondered if she might have had a stroke. The nurse from Hospice came and said, she appeared to be in the final stage. I broke down. How could this be? Her tongue was very swollen, and her bottom lip also. She said later that the inside of her mouth feels rough. it's quite red. Cause? if she was allergic to the roxanol Rayna began to give her yesterday morn. it should make her itch, rash, and have trouble swallowing. It wasn't. So what is happening? She is better...right now sleeping peacefully. I hope she continues to be able to sleep through the night. Last night she didn't. I thank God I can be here with her for as long as she has.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Another late night
Last night I was following some blogs, people I don't know, but would like to...I guess that's one of the amazing things about the computer: the ability to read about someone you'll probably never meet, but connect with online, maybe, and see your commonality; we are all so much alike, have such similar feelings, and needs, dreams, and to hear another voice them, and so...succinctly: a gift, I feel so lucky to have this ability to meet others across the cyberland, as it were, and go, "yes, I agree, and thank you for putting it into words that I and others can hear/read/ acknowledge, pass on. "
And that's all I have to say on that matter. shades of Forest Gump?!
Last night I was following some blogs, people I don't know, but would like to...I guess that's one of the amazing things about the computer: the ability to read about someone you'll probably never meet, but connect with online, maybe, and see your commonality; we are all so much alike, have such similar feelings, and needs, dreams, and to hear another voice them, and so...succinctly: a gift, I feel so lucky to have this ability to meet others across the cyberland, as it were, and go, "yes, I agree, and thank you for putting it into words that I and others can hear/read/ acknowledge, pass on. "
And that's all I have to say on that matter. shades of Forest Gump?!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Late night, Feb 3, 2009
I am finding that care giving can be frustrating; and that I am more of a perfectionist than I am comfortable with.
I got a bedside table for Mom to have at her bed, the kind like they have in the hospital. It doesn't go down low enough for her to use easily. I got her a lamp to put on the bedside table, when her ancient gooseneck lamp switch broke. The new lamp has a switch on the cord, that turns, rotates. She has trouble turning it with her arthritic finger and thumb. The night light bulb burnt out, after I discovered I needed to put it in another outlet, as the outlet by her bed was filled with cords to the bed, and her light. and the nightlight would not fit between the other plugs. It's kind of a thing like: the coke machine broke. The last straw. So now she will have even more trouble with the lamp, as she is in darkness, trying to turn on the light.
So, I need to turn this around and find gratitude. I am grateful that this morning, when I went in, she was singing a good morning song. And she was able to walk into the kitchen, with her walker, rather than go with the wheelchair. There will be good days and less good days. I am grateful I was able to go in the hot tub for a while tonight. And the Hungarian goulash, minus the paprika, bell peppers and diced tomatoes was still delicious. Right now, right now, right now.
I am finding that care giving can be frustrating; and that I am more of a perfectionist than I am comfortable with.
I got a bedside table for Mom to have at her bed, the kind like they have in the hospital. It doesn't go down low enough for her to use easily. I got her a lamp to put on the bedside table, when her ancient gooseneck lamp switch broke. The new lamp has a switch on the cord, that turns, rotates. She has trouble turning it with her arthritic finger and thumb. The night light bulb burnt out, after I discovered I needed to put it in another outlet, as the outlet by her bed was filled with cords to the bed, and her light. and the nightlight would not fit between the other plugs. It's kind of a thing like: the coke machine broke. The last straw. So now she will have even more trouble with the lamp, as she is in darkness, trying to turn on the light.
So, I need to turn this around and find gratitude. I am grateful that this morning, when I went in, she was singing a good morning song. And she was able to walk into the kitchen, with her walker, rather than go with the wheelchair. There will be good days and less good days. I am grateful I was able to go in the hot tub for a while tonight. And the Hungarian goulash, minus the paprika, bell peppers and diced tomatoes was still delicious. Right now, right now, right now.
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