I thought i would take a break from going through all the "stuff" here at the house, getting ready for the estate sale. But I now do not have high speed internet, as we are turning off luxury items, and I had forgotten how crazy-making dial-up is. Just waiting for SOMETHING to happen makes me want to scream.

I am getting through the days and nights with some difficulty. It is amazing to me how I miss my mom. Somehow, I never thought too much about how it might be. It was just out there in the vagueness of someday, and how can you imagine something unimaginable? I have had moments of wanting to take up the torch where she left it, lying at the side of her life, when she was less able to do the advocacy things she cared so deeply about. She was quite a woman, a Renaissance Woman, actually.

It is hard to go through her papers, cards, photos, newspaper clippings. I want to save them and read them later, but I recall how I would tell her I didn't want any more news articles. She still clipped them, and told me about them. Her way of sharing. Paper can be so overwhelming. I guess it will all get done. We will have the sale person come out on the 4th of April to look at the stuff and so by then I must have gone through all, and determine what is estate, what is garage/rummage and what is junk. Including "as is", and then make it all "user friendly" and clean it all and make the house look nice, and the yard. I am exhausted, just thinking about what there still is to do. And I have hardly begun the garage, where I and my daughter and maybe nieces have boxes stored from when Mom moved here 10 years ago!

Some of it has been fun: looking at the baby clothes and quilts I, mom, and a dear friend made, my first and last knitted blanket, I had forgotten how many baby clothes I had made. and even embroidered the little tiny t-shirts! All bagged and waiting by the hopeful grandma someday...(me)! Is it crazy to hold on to things like the cradle my dad made? and the crib I bought? It's in Lake County now. Like I have room to store all this stuff? I am my mother's daughter, after all, in many ways. I am ok with that. God bless her!

Well, life is going on
We had the Memorial Service for Mom. It was ok, difficult but healing, and good to see her old friends from the church, and some of my daughters' friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Also the person I have known longer than anyone other than my family came. That was a surprise. A welcome one.

Now we are working on dismantling the home. An estate sale is in the making, and I have volunteered to organize, clean and put together things that will be looked at by the estate sale person. This will be a huge job, looking at all the "stuff" that is here. But, I realize I need to do this...it is my way of saying goodbye to the many items I grew up with and also lived with over the last 10 years; this is a huge part of my life, that I left every time I returned to Lake County. So, it is fitting that I have this time to be with these things, before they become someone else's things. Thank God, my brothers also recognize this need for closure, and actually are relieved I want to do it.

I know that things are superficial and serve a somewhat limited purpose in life. They are for convenience or looks or cuddling or whatever their function may be. They have no inherent emotion; that is in me...and all wrapped up in whatever life process was happening at the time, with any of the hundreds of items that fill this house.

My brothers have much less involvement, out of choice, out of nature, and it is probably somewhat of a gender thing. I don't care what the reasons are, I am glad that I can do it, rather than pay a stranger to do it and hope for respect towards the whole lot of it.

I am glad Spring is approaching. That means summer is also on it's way. And warmth. My brother has turned down the heat, and it is cold here. I know that is saving money, and energy, but my body says, brrrr.

Ok, much to do, and time is limited. Be Here Now.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Birthday Mom,

I made her the chocolate cake we were going to have, and will ice it when it's done baking. Then Rayna and I will go to have Chinese food at the place we used to always get to go from. Then we'll light the candles, sing and blow out the candles. I guess it's sort of like an old-fashioned wake. Never done this before. The Memorial service is the 28th. I am crying, reading, loving my animals, talking to my friends, and wondering what the future holds. I am one of the unemployed now, with a seriously expensive mortgage. I am doing a day at a time, and trying to let go of fear. We have to have everything out of the house in a month, so repairs can get underway for selling. I was not ready for this.

MOM

late night

a hard day, I got to Napa, after Rayna, DD2, called to prepare me for how Mom was. When I got here, she was hardly able to talk. Very drowsy, and I wondered if she might have had a stroke. The nurse from Hospice came and said, she appeared to be in the final stage. I broke down. How could this be? Her tongue was very swollen, and her bottom lip also. She said later that the inside of her mouth feels rough. it's quite red. Cause? if she was allergic to the roxanol Rayna began to give her yesterday morn. it should make her itch, rash, and have trouble swallowing. It wasn't. So what is happening? She is better...right now sleeping peacefully. I hope she continues to be able to sleep through the night. Last night she didn't. I thank God I can be here with her for as long as she has.

Another late night
Last night I was following some blogs, people I don't know, but would like to...I guess that's one of the amazing things about the computer: the ability to read about someone you'll probably never meet, but connect with online, maybe, and see your commonality; we are all so much alike, have such similar feelings, and needs, dreams, and to hear another voice them, and so...succinctly: a gift, I feel so lucky to have this ability to meet others across the cyberland, as it were, and go, "yes, I agree, and thank you for putting it into words that I and others can hear/read/ acknowledge, pass on. "
And that's all I have to say on that matter. shades of Forest Gump?!

Late night, Feb 3, 2009

I am finding that care giving can be frustrating; and that I am more of a perfectionist than I am comfortable with.
I got a bedside table for Mom to have at her bed, the kind like they have in the hospital. It doesn't go down low enough for her to use easily. I got her a lamp to put on the bedside table, when her ancient gooseneck lamp switch broke. The new lamp has a switch on the cord, that turns, rotates. She has trouble turning it with her arthritic finger and thumb. The night light bulb burnt out, after I discovered I needed to put it in another outlet, as the outlet by her bed was filled with cords to the bed, and her light. and the nightlight would not fit between the other plugs. It's kind of a thing like: the coke machine broke. The last straw. So now she will have even more trouble with the lamp, as she is in darkness, trying to turn on the light.

So, I need to turn this around and find gratitude. I am grateful that this morning, when I went in, she was singing a good morning song. And she was able to walk into the kitchen, with her walker, rather than go with the wheelchair. There will be good days and less good days. I am grateful I was able to go in the hot tub for a while tonight. And the Hungarian goulash, minus the paprika, bell peppers and diced tomatoes was still delicious. Right now, right now, right now.

today's prooject

Today is Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Why isn't it hard to remember 2009? Usually I have trouble putting down the new year, but not this time? Maybe because for so long I looked forward to having Bush out of the White House? Had a purple t-shirt DD brought from Texas, of all places, that said 1/20/09 The End of an Error!!
I love it!

Well, I am going to try to download pix of my current project. It is looking pretty good to me.

There it is! Yippee, except it is turned 90 degrees. It has lattice strips to go in and then a sawtooth border. So that will be next to do. I am so excited about it. Finally, I feel like I am kind of on my way.

Mom has been sleeping all day. She will probably be awake all night. More later.

Vacation memories

When I went on vacation this past summer I drove with my daughter to Missouri, where I was born. We had a cabin at the Lake of the Ozarks. This is not the cabin we had. It was an old army barrack, and rustic is not the word for it! We had an out house, and a hammock. The approach to the lake was different too. There was dark mud, which I get a whiff of now and then, and it takes me back, to a simpler time. They say you can't go home, and I guess that's true, only in your memories, of which I have only a few of that time. I was only 4, the last time we went to the cabin; we moved to CA the following summer, and I never went back to MO until 1990, when we had a family reunion. We went to the Lake but didn't try to find the cabin. I wonder who lived there at that time. This summer, I went to the county seat, a small town called Versailles, they call it Versayles, and got the address and directions. There are many little roads that run around the lake; it has many arms and our cabin was on one of the fingers. The terrain is very different from Lake County. The trees are tall, deciduous, ash, maple, hardwoods, and lush grass.
I was very excited when I found our old site, even though the cabin was gone, and a new one built. This cabin was probably as close in feeling to the one we had had as could be. I want to contact the owners, who live in Independence, and send them a picture of the one we had.
I wonder sometimes, if this is why I live in Clearlake...I have such a love of water. Maybe it is thanks to my early memories of the Ozarks. My roots are in Missouri. But I wonder where my life will be?

new day, new blog

Today is Tuesday, a pretty day and a good day for thinking, or quilting! Yesterday was so warm I knew I should be outside enjoying it but instead I was inside, cutting up pieces of material! Go figure! No, that's wrong...it was Sunday that was so unseasonably warm, and that was a day I just kind of wandered around, trying to fit back into my life at the lake.
Today I am back in Napa, and hearing the TV in the kitchen with C-Span, and outside my daughter on her cell.
This seems kind of strange, just typing out my thoughts, wondering who would necessarily want to read them...I came across some old journals yesterday. I looked at them a little, and thought, I don't even want to read these.!! Change the date, and they all pretty much sound the same. INSANITY! Who was/is that person? I hope she went somewhere else!